And what is the signifcance of this day?

Today is talk like a pirate day...Aye-Aye matey! Yes, it really is, click here if you don't believe me. Anyway just about every day is dedicated to something...some silly, some not so silly...but that is a whole 'nother blog post.

To my point, with October just around the corner, I wanted to mention some really important issues that are being highlighted.

Obviously the first is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Moms, Grandmoms, daughters, we all tend to focus more on others than ourselves -- Breast Cancer is not picky, it affects the young and old, blonds and redheads, Asian and Caucasian, women and men...but being educated we are becoming survivors. And go ahead and "Feel your boobies".

Second, Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Women and children many times become silent victims of domestic violence. Some have no where to go, no where to hide...The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence provides them with a safe place and the tools they need to survive. Those of us who have cell phones, we usually trade them up every 2 years...why not donate them?

And Third, the most important to me, personally...Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Astonishingly high. Imagine how many people suffer in silence, because many do. On October 15th, all are invited to light a candle at 7pm to honor those lost angels. The point is to keep the candle burning for an hour, and if everyone lights a candle from all over the world...it will be a wave of light.

And I have to add the link to My Forever Child, I found this site for a friend who suffered a miscarriage and bought her a bracelet, which she has since returned the favor. I highly recommend the bracelets, and for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month they have some really nice and inexpensive pins (great for the dads too).

Every month has a great cause, find one and volunteer...imagine all those you are helping along the way, because who knows when you might need it too.

Numbness to Sadness

It finally hit me. I was wondering when the numbness would finally go away. It has been a really hard week for me. Not only has it sunk in that I lost a baby, but the anniversary of my Grandfather going into the hospital was this week last year. I feel sick and drained. What's worse are the news stories about parents who are abusing their children, one died from wounds caused by her mother's boyfriend beating her daughter with a video game controller. I just ask, why? Why. I talked to a mom today who is 7 months pregnant, who was complaining to me that her and her husband didn't want any more children (they already have 3.) and how hard it is to change plans and rearrange their lives now that another one is on the way. Why? Why me?

Why did God give me a baby and then take them away? Why did this happen to me? Why are their moms out there smoking, drinking and snorting crack -- while they are pregnant and still deliver? I am not looking for comments...I just needed to vent.

Jelly told her teacher the other day, "Mommy is sad. It is ok to be sad. I give her hug and kiss and say, Mommy it is ok." I haven't cried in front of her...she just knows I am hurting. That is my sweet girl.

She is what keeps me going.

Ramblings of numbness

I don't know really what to write, it has been really hard lately and I don't want to dwell on my pain...but at the same time it is therapeutic for me to get things off my chest.

I thought I would be able to pass the baby naturally, but given the 2 weeks ahead of me...I was filled with so much pain and fear. I decided to get a D & E done. The D & E or Dilation and Evacuation, is a surgical procedure that removes the baby and cleans the uterus out. It is a short process that has started to help me heal physically so I can work more on my mental state.

After the procedure, I literally feel like a mac truck has run over me, but other than that I almost feel relieved that I don't have to sit and wait. The anticipation of miscarrying was probably worse than the event...at least for me.

So far, each day has been different...I certainly have my moments - like when the nurse from my eye doctor called to confirm my appointment this week. Nothing like a girl sobbing on the other line.

And sweet moments when Jelly talks to, ehem - bosses, her "little sister" in which she has now named "Bella."

Today I just feel numb. Each day will be different, but each day I will thank God for the 8 weeks he gave me with my little angel...